Now that the foundations are laid, I think it’s about time I got to the actual project of looking at what I’m looking for. The first idea I want to present is the one that I would choose first, and it’s probably also the one that falls closest to both the category of checklist and the realm of lived relationship. The floor plan model for that relationship looks something like this:
| Kitchen | ? | Common
Bed |
? | Art Space
/Office |
|
|
||||
| A (Me)
|
Living Room/ | D+? | ||
| B+C
|
Dining Room | E+F |
In a way this map is fairly close to the late-to-post-college experience, a group of friends living together, splitting rent and food. It may in fact be the case that there wouldn’t be a whole lot of functional difference between that arraignment and the one I am presenting here, at least in the short-term. Which brings us to the major difference, this is a relationship set that, ideally, would last beyond just a few college years. In addition, the chosen-family model would accommodate both “single” people and people in romantic/sexual relationships, all as part of one family.
This model is also quite close to some models I’ve seen proposed by relationship anarchists, with a combination of both close-friendships and romantic relationships and sexual relationships, in a large web of interaction. A major difference from those models though would be that, in this model, all of the relationships are together – both in a relational sense and in a physical sense. The family that I want is based on more than just individual consent, it also believes in group consensus and togetherness. I believe that relationships work best when time is spent in presence with one another, and living together is the way that facilitates that best.
I don’t have all the details figured out, and I don’t think that would be very healthy if I did, but I have spent a lot of time daydreaming about getting to live with my friends for the foreseeable future. Sitting around a fireplace, or making a meal together, taking care of pets. Living our lives, and having a community to return to in the evenings. But the question marks leave room for growth, for change, they’re a flexible space, to remind me not to get caught up with rigid dreams.
One of the major things I don’t have with this plan is how to make it happen, and once it’s begun, how to make it work. I’m hoping that I can gain some insight looking at co-housing communities, but so far I just can’t imagine asking my friends to commit to something this out-there, although I have talked about it with a few of them. This feels like something with so many moving parts – having one person dream about six or more people’s futures, well, it feels impossible.
The Ace Librarian 
I have always pictured my future as a time where I would be able to live near my friends and be able to share space with them. At first, I imagined a cup-de-sac where each friend.(with or without a partner) would have a house. Our children would be raised together, and common meals would be frequent, along with parties. I imagined this well before I realized I might be ace, but my vision remains the same. I had thought about making a single large building to house everyone, but the logistics for such a thing would be difficult. Many of my friends either have or will be graduating shortly. Already I can see them finding their own places in the world, but I still hope it will be possible to carry some of these aspects of a relationship into our future.
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Yeah, that sounds quite similar to me. I think my thinking with the single house was influenced by my college, which has a few large houses throughout the city where students can live in a kind of intentional community. A set of neighboring houses might be logistically less complicated.
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I’m quite interested in co-housing communities – places where there is a heightened level of community, but where people still own their own houses/apartments etc. I feel like as an adult I want to have a space that is my own, while still having a larger network of like-minded people around me. I think co-housing along these lines would also perhaps appeal to other people a bit more, who have families or partners along normal monogamous lines, and make that sort of community-forming easier – rather than having to find people who actually want to share a living space/more intimate family-type living arrangement. (Not saying that your ideas are never going to happen – but the pool is probably smaller, if that makes sense?)
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Yeah, you’re certainly right, and co-housing is something I’ve got a definite interest in too, but I’m a fairly lazy person, and the closer in proximity my community is the more I will interact with them. On the other hand, I’m still in college, and I’ve never had the experience of having my own house/apartment, so I can’t really comment on wanting that kind of space. I’ll work on adding a section on co-housing to this series. I also think a co-housing community might work well in conjunction with a scaled down version of this model.
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